Meditation – An Honest and Messy Journey To Stillness

I remember being introduced to meditation when I was around 10 or 11.

We had a Yoga instructor come to teach a class for the dance summer camp I was attending.

She had us lay down in our dance studio, on some thin yoga mat. She turned the lights off and guided us to close our eyes. “Imagine you are floating on a lily pad in the most beautiful garden you’ve ever seen.”

And that’s about all I can remember because I immediately burst into laughter!

“I’m floating on a what now? Are you telling me I’m supposed to feel like a frog or something?”

As you can see, meditation was not something I was particularly familiar with – who am I kidding – I thought that stuff was complete bullshit!

Throughout the years, I’d dabble in a yoga class here and there, enjoying the last few minutes of rest and silence, but that was about it when it came to my exposure and knowledge of this mystical practice of meditation.

Seriously though, I legit thought that meditation meant you were floating above the ground, completely blank inside, void of any and all thoughts/feelings.

Thank you very much, mainstream media!

I was totally sheltered from the world of spirituality my entire life. And I don’t say that to place blame on anyone, including myself, I say that because it is the truth. My upbringing and circle of people around me would not have lead to an exposure into spirituality or meditation.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I started to become intrigued by the idea of meditating. This of course came as a shock to everyone, including myself, but at the time, I was desperate for anything to help me quiet my mind.

No one told me to start meditating. I didn’t read it in some book. I didn’t go to some class or watch some movie that inspired me to start meditating.

It was an inner knowing. An impulse I couldn’t explain. A literal nudge on the shoulder to move in that direction. Now, at the time, I didn’t know what this was, but holy shit, it was absolutely my intuition guiding me!! (so damn cool)

So – I sit down for my first meditation. I’m in my apartment bedroom. I shut the blinds and light a candle. I looked up a guided meditation on YouTube, lay down on my bed, and… it was pure MAGIC! It was like this rush of beauty and warmth; almost like I was being covered in butterflies!


Oh my god, I fucking hated it!!! I could literally sit there for 3 minutes before I opened my eyes and went about my day. I would attempt it for a day, maybe two, then take a few weeks off, repeat the attempt, get frustrated, take a few weeks off – you get the picture!

This vicious cycle went on for about a year, with very minimal progress along the way and a whole lot of frustration!! I was still so confused about what the point/goal of meditation was and how you actually clear your mind of everything going on in there!

It felt like everything was riding against me in every damn direction and this whole meditation thing was a literal load of crap.

And then it happened!

My cousin invited me to go have a tarot card reading at a psychic shop near my apartment. (real hippie-dippie stuff, I know!)

While we were waiting for our appointment, I received another nudge.

This time, the nudge was to go look at the books on the other side of the room.

Something inside of me had me drawn to the book that changed everything, “Ask And It Is Given,” by Esther (Abraham) Hicks.

Now, I need you to know that prior to this very moment, I was not one to purchase or even read books. I was more of a movie kinda gal, and me wanting this book was just strange enough that I ended up purchasing it and reading it in only 2 weeks!

This book teaches you the laws of the universe, how to use your emotions as a guidance system, and how to connect back to or tune into Source energy (higher self, inner self, God, etc.)

Whoa man! This shit was amazing! This book hit me right in my soul and I felt like I was cheating myself if I didn’t at least try to apply some of the techniques it taught.

An entire year went by before it didn’t feel like a chore to sit in my meditation, and, the less it felt like a chore, the more I began enjoying myself.

I was able to will myself into sitting longer. I found myself more and more curious about all the different modalities and teachings out there. I started reading more books on mindfulness, chakras, intention, etc. I also started going to meditation classes and workshops; I even started seeing my own intuitive healer!

The moral of the story?

All of the cliches are true!

When your gut instincts are talking to you, listen.

When you really don’t want to meditate, you have to.

It’s called a meditation PRACTICE because that’s exactly what you have to do, practice.

There is no “quick” way to connection, so buckle up buttercup! Patience is the name of the game here!

I’m not here to sugar coat anything for you, ever, but rather give you the dirt! The muck! The mess! So you don’t feel so alone!

Starting your meditation practice is messy; so let it be BEAUTIFULLY messy!

With gratitude and love,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.